Hello and welcome to our July edition of Funny not Slutty. Comedy for women created by female producers, writers, humorists and comedians.
This month is the Month of Vagina on FnS. Isn't that every month, you ask? The early editions of the site, the majority of submissions were about vjay-jay. That and getting drunk. And sleeping around. So I began asking for basically anything but those topics just to get some variety. But it's been over a year so lets bring back the vagina.
Ann Marie Lindbloom is a writer, producer and actor whose work has appeared on numerous networks including NBC, CBS, E!, Style and The Travel Channel. She co-created and performed in the critically acclaimed comedy series Two Peas in Your Pod along with her AcuteTV business partner Jeff Venables (The Getdown). Two Peas has been featured as an editor’s pick on YouTube, Funny or Die and Veoh and Forbes listed Two Peas as one of the top 15 indie-produced shows on Veoh in 2007.
Her recent production venture is Whorified! The Search for America’s Next Top Whore.Whorified! is a reality show spoof that insightfully depicts the whoring of America via pop culture. In it she plays a driven reality show producer who’ll stop at nothing to make her show number one. The promo for the series, which featured MADtv’s Bobby Lee as a "Celebrity John", received 200,000 hits within a week of its release. And the series, which premiered May 1, has already been featured on numerous websites including Funny or Die. Visit whorified.com.
Fresh out of college, I moved from liberal-college-town-USA to downtown Chicago. This was before the sketchy Walgreens on Clark and Division turned into an Anthropologie, and when I lived atop a crackhouse—but I leave that story for another day.
As a responsible 22-year-old female, I made an appointment to get my annual pap at my friendly neighborhood Planned Parenthood clinic. Donning my paper wrap-dress (flattering on any figure), a friendly middle-aged appropriately Gloria Steinem-esque doctor greeted me in the examining room. When she asked if I’d mind a medical student assisting in my examination, I proudly consented. Sure, I reasoned, I shall sacrifice my pride in an effort to educate the future physicians of America on patient-empowered-vagina-protocol.
In walked the student. Now I present the “claiming my insular bias” portion of today’s post. I expected someone approximating:
Her
Or Her
or I suppose Her
I wouldn’t have batted an eye at any matter of confident young female physicians in training .
Instead, feet-in-stirrups, I met the gaze of an intern more resembling
Him
(Only he wore scrubs and didn’t squat in tippy-toe-tae-bo-warrior pose). He was very built, good looking, and a black male. More notably, he made one very nervous medical student.
The examination went something like this:
Doctor: Here is the right ovary. Can you feel it?
Med student: (quick prod) Uh-huh.
Doctor: Nope. Its over there.
Med student: (poke) Got it.
Doctor: Are you sure? Because I think its further up. Why don’t you try again.
I’ve disassociated by now and view the scenario out-of-body, hovering from above. I observe myself making occasional eye contact and half-smiling, while humming “My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean” to myself. Wait…I think the humming is silently to myself. I can hear my musical attempt to express my pseudo-comfort in this scenario, but I don’t think the others can hear. Wait! The med student seems to tap his toe to the rhythm bring back, bring back, please bring back my bonny to me to me. Perhaps that’s due to his nerves…
Med Student: Uh…?
Doctor: Notice her uterus’ slight tilt upwards?
Med Student: Yes.
Doctor: Nope that’s her ovary.
DAMN! (med student’s and my inner dialogue exclaim together in unison)
And on and on and on for what seemed like many many excruciating minutes. I hope the nervous med student turned into a confident doctor. He probably went on to deliver many a baby by this time, as have I. Actually, only two for me. Next time I donate my body to science, however, I think I’ll wait until I’m an organ donor.
A stay-at-home humorist/writer, Ann's Children of The Cornflakes was recently featured on humorpress.com and maternalspark.com. Ann's essay The Saddies will be featured in the launch issue of UnhingedMagazine.com. http://annsrants.blogspot.com
