Hello and welcome to our September edition of Funny not Slutty. As usual, we have a mixed bag of "ok, ok, maybe just a little slutty" fun this month in the way of audio, video, and print.

I'd also like to share a new Funny not Slutty Original Series, Footastic Theatre. Two episodes are up (we would love your funny vote) and two more are ready for post and will be available later in September. These have been lots of fun to make and we are already writing more!

-Jacki Schklar, FnS Publisher

Sexless in the South:
Easy to get.
Hard to call back.
by Alice Jankowski

Alice Jankowski has been a moonlighting stand-up comedian for the last eight years. By day, she's a mild-mannered coupon writer for a major department store, but little do they know of her true identity. During her two weeks of vacation, she can seen in clubs across the country. She's also appeared on Girls Behaving Badly on the Oxygen Network, Comcast Comedy On Demand and recently on LOL at ajc.com.

Alice will be performing with John Heffron Thursday, September 4 thru Sunday, September 7 at the Atlanta Punchline in Sandy Springs. www.punchline.com for details. Visit Alice's Page

For a while there I thought it might be the repetition in my number, maybe the 27-27 combo threw them off or the napkin got destroyed in the wash or the most unfortunate, cellphone misplacement. Whatever the case may be, my number has mystified the male species for decades.
But is it really the phone number or the events leading up to the phone number that have ruined my chances?
Maybe breakfast isn't the best way to end a date. Maybe "can you make a sandwich" shouldn't be the line that gets me back to his place. Maybe there's something about my ass accidentally honking the horn during the kiss goodnight that triggers him to take me off the mom meeting list.

Sure it's the polite thing to do. At the end of the night or as I wake up, he reaches for his phone, asks for the number and then asks me to spell my name. No wonder he called me baby all night. I swallow my pride along with everything else I've imbibed that night and say A-L-I-C-E. And like everyone else, I wait. Wait for the redeeming phone call. The call that is going to justify everything. It can happen. Four Grey Goose Gimlets can't be wrong. People meet their soul mates at bars all the time. I've always wanted a guy that likes to dance and have a good time. He'll call. What we had was magic.
And sometimes he does call. But by now, it's been a week or two. I've renamed him Dipshit in my phone and the resounding phone call comes at 1:30am on a Friday. Not remembering Dipshit's real name, I let it go to voicemail. And sure enough, he wants to see me - what my luck. My justification comes in the form of a booty call. Not dinner and a movie or even let's meet tomorrow for drinks. But a slurred, hey baby, why don't you come over to my place, I miss your face. Sure you do, twenty bucks says you couldn't pick me out of a lineup.

Let's face it, when it comes to one night stands men act like Chris Hanson from Dateline NBC. Chris uses young girls with brownies. Men use compliments followed by cocktails and eye contact - yes eye contact. It's nice to know that the guy you've been eyeing from across the bar is interested in you and not the bimbettes that guys have been taking turns buying them drinks. And the night's going well, you willingly head over to his place to enjoy each other's company. And the next morning, you might as well have Chris Hanson come out from behind the wet bar because that's the affect sobriety and daylight have had on the situation. One of my guy's actual excuses for leaving in a rush was that he had to return a tractor before ten. Quality.

So, that's it. I'm going to stop giving my number out after one night stands. The sensible thing to do would be to stop having one night stands, but I'm no saint. Baby steps. I'll just play it like they do in the movies. I'll tell him if fate would have it we'll meet again (hint: I'm here every week); or I'll put my number in a library book; or better yet, we'll correspond through a magical mailbox. Or if I get me a whipper snapper, I'll play it like the kids do - find me on Facebook. Word.

 Nicole Terry Creates

This month we gain some insight about the genius behind the popular Buckwheat's Sister and Studly MCMeeghan Polysexual Explorer videos, Nicole Terry.

JS: I did not catch in what city you grew up, and where you live now?
NT: I grew up, for the most part, in Harrisburg. But being the daughter of a father in the Air Force, I also lived in Germany for a time when I was teenager with my father. Now, I live about 10 miles outside of the City of Harrisburg. I live a very simple life and I try to conserve as many resources as possible. I don't even own a television or DVD player or microwave, or anything like that. I'm trying to become entirely self-sufficient.  Click to Continue

Audio Interview with Stephanie Scott of The Retributioners Steph spoke with me recently about her series, her S&M video, how to know you have met Mr. Right and how to exact revenge on enemies. What else could you possibly ask for in an interview? And click here to visit Stephanie's Featured Artist page and see episode 7 of The Retributioners. It's one of the best yet!

CLICK PLAY BUTTON to hear the Stephanie Scott FnS audio interview:

Click here for standalone player

Behind the scenes with Gov. Sarah Palin and her cousin/campaign manager Dina before nailing the hell out of the greatest speech in the history of politics, ever.
Diana Saez: Dina Heath-Barr http://youonmyblog.blogspot.com
Sara Benincasa: Gov. Sarah Palin http://www.sarabenincasa.com

Funny not Slutty Chick Chat "Do as I say, not as I do... The Martini Sisters" By Emmy Rivera and Mamma Spell Emmy Rivera (Em) and Sharon “Mama” Spell (Ma) in the ladies room at Otto’s Shrunken Head.

Ma-Want to go for chicken after the show?
Em-Yeah, if I’m going to drink I have to remember to eat!
Ma-Is that a pregnancy thing, like if I’m eating for 2 I have to drink for 2?
Em-Oh God no! Can you imagine? I had a little too much fun the other night. I didn’t drink any more than usual, which I know from looking at the credit card receipt, but woke up at 5am, in the back of my car on 51st St!
Ma-Oh Doll no! So you didn’t go to work?
Em-Oh no, I went home napped and was at my desk bright and early. Fortunately I wasn’t hung over, I was still kind of drunkish and they love to see ‘that me’ at work. I’m usually a bit, let just say, intense by day…The bouncer called to make sure I got home okay. Can you imagine how many drunks this poor bastard sees?!
Ma-Do you remember giving him your number?
Em-Sure, I met him when I first got there. I was worried I made a total ass of myself but he was sweet and said I was great. I was me… just more so!  Looking back I realized I never had dinner. He said he wouldn’t have called except we exchanged cards before I started dancing. He figured I was all right and assumed I woke up in a bed full of gay guys! Did I mention he was the only hot straight guy in a den of hot gays…
Ma-I want to say you should know better, but I got way too drunk the weekend before-to the point where I left a party and the angels guided me to the subway. By the time I got close to home I thought, I didn’t eat and something is not right. I went to the diner I love in my neighborhood and I got to the doorway with the 10% sober of myself, in the back of my head, was screaming don’t go in there. The rest of me is like, I need food…I need food…
Em-Oh shit…
Ma-So I went in and found the waitress I like. I kind of sweetly called her over. I couldn’t look her in the face so I leaned over to her ear and said, Could you please help me? I need soup. I’ll give you money.  You’ll give me soup, I’ll give you money, and I’ll go away.
Em-Sounds like a sad drug deal.
Ma-I’m curious to hear her take on it, but I haven’t been back since. When I woke up I was in bed, alone. I had my night guard in my mouth, my teeth had been brushed and I had taken my makeup off. I took care of business but don’t remember doing it. Oh Doll, you learn…
Em-Yeah. Want a beer?
Ma-Yes!
We enjoyed our drinks with Shrink Mix during the show and a picnic in my car of fried shrimp and chicken after.

Emmy Rivera is a regular in the NYC comedy circuit and performs at Comix, Broadway Comedy Club, NY Comedy Club, and Gotham.  She can soon be seen on SiTV’s Comic Quickies. She hosted and produced her first show “ Emmy and Friends” earlier this year and will be bringing it back in the fall. For more info, videos and upcoming gig information check out: www.myspace.com/emmyriveracomic

Mama Spell is the co-host of a weekly comedy variety show called Shrink at Otto’s Srurken Head in the Lower East Side.  She performs at many alternative comedy spaces around NYC. For more information, please visit: www.mamaspell.com

How to be a sexy bitch…at the worst of times
Written by Miss Teasa

It has been my experience that it isn’t always about how sexy you appear but how you deal with the not-so-sexy that often beg for attention .  ‘Cause, let’s face it ladies, it’s hard work to keep the façade up 24/7 and kudos to all of you that manage to hold onto the sexiness in the most awkward of situations (that’s right, even Victoria Beckham has gassy days).

If you’re anything like me, when there is an opportunity to loosen the top button of my skin tight pants and let the muffin top spill out freely or tug at an underwear that’s been half eaten by my vagina, I’ll do it.  But different rules apply when I’m in public.  It’s one thing to be completely carefree, but it’s another thing to make a person throw up their dinner when I’m trying to “adjust” something.

So here are some examples of tried and tested true methods that allow you to be the hot cosmopolitan woman that you are without revealing the inner-Neanderthal.

The Crotch Itch / My-Vagina’s-Hungry Syndrome
If there isn’t a piece of furniture that can hide your lower half to get the job done, I find that spreading your legs ever so slightly a part and a slight twist of the hips does the trick.  If this happens to occur while you’re on a dance floor, all the better. Click for more Miss Teasa tips and a song.